Friday, 28 November 2008
Just because i'm a liberal parent and allow my kids to express themselves how they see fit the vast majority of the time does it mean i should allow this to happen in my home? I don't feel that it's their right to sleep together in my home, she is legally under age and, i don't feel, mature enough to make responsible decisions. I feel it's my responsibility to , i don't know, protect them? Warden them? Be a kill joy? Fuddy duddy? I'm struggling here people. Am i over reacting? Should i be telling them what they can and cannot do? Should i be dictating to someone elses child what they can and can't do? Even if her mam allows other behaviour in her house? I really feel quite strongly that they shouldn't sleep together in my house, i have 3 younger children than J who i do not want to think it's ok to bring a girl/boy friend over to sleep when they're 15/16 either. I have no problem with her coming and staying the weekend, that's fine, but anything else is a no no in my book.
So help me out here ladies, what do you think? Would you feel the same way that i do? I'm going round in circles here so much that i don't know if i'm coming or going. I really appreciate any opinions you have. I used to be 16 - i know how grown up i thought i was then, even though my kids'll probably think it was millenia ago and before the ark and all that, but this is something more important than me being a party pooper. I look forward to any light you could shine on this subject, my torch appears to have run out of batteries...........
Friday, 21 November 2008
This time of year always makes me feel down anyway, before John died even, i've had s.a.d.s for years but as these two dates creep round i can feel myself hiding away. It's almost like a retreat, i start to go down in the weeks leading up to his birthday and don't start up until we pass feb 21st, when he died. For many years i didn't think about this being linked to John dying until somene else pointed it out to me, just shows how easily you can be involved in a behaviour without realising why a lot of it happens. Sometimes it really does take someone a bit detached from the situation to see the way through the trees 'cos you've stumbled around in the dark for so long you've lost the path!
I don't really like to talk to people about it too much, it's my burden to carry - not that he was ever a burden to me - i put people in a sad mood if i talk about it. I don't know if i'd like someone to be telling me about their son who died years before. When my mam talked about my twin dying when i was younger i didn't like it 'cos it made her sad and was sooo long ago - to my then 6 year old way of thinking. Please forgive me if this post puts you on a downer, i hope it doesn't spoil anyones day. Thankyou for listening and letting me vent...
Sunday, 16 November 2008
We went to bed early, full of good intentions (on my part anyway), R was flat out on the chair so L said he'd carry her up for me, off to bed we went. Ahh, lovely and tucked up, some film on - that fab i can't even remember what it was -when up came L with the girl. He crawled over the bed to put her next to me, laid her down, B put his arm over her at which point she punched him in the eye. Whoops! That wasn't going to help my early night plans one little bit. As you can imagine the B siren went off, followed by R's 'cos he pushed her. She didn't want him to touch her, he wanted to cuddle up and so on and so on....
Twenty minutes later my eardrums were bleeding and my spine felt like it was fractured in 3 different places. I'd finally calmed everyone down (only mild threats of physical violence and groundings till past puberty required) when the lovely Jean phoned. I LOVE Jean, she's one of the most wonderful people i've ever met but i knew that i was going to be on the phone for quite some time. We can talk for europe, sadly i didn't have enough energy to talk to the bathroom and back even! That's not strictly true, but had it been anyone else i'd've asked them to call back tomorrow. For the most part the kids watched the film and i chatted to Jean.
Half an hour later i recieved a surprise visit from K. This in itself is unusual in the evening but by now it's after 10.30pm, it soon became apparent why, she'd had a drinky poo and wanted to discuss the N problem. Unfortunately she came armed with a huge tube of blue smarties! Then produced a chocolate gateau! So by 11.30 we were all sat on my bed eating gateau while using my bed as a tramopline- whee! Great fun!!! That was until they flopped down and R started pushing B with her feet. They were both laughing around and giggling when R must've had a burst of superhuman strength (she's considerably smaller than him) and pushed him off the end of the bed! Only playing it had to be said, BUT he managed to fall awkwardly and bashed his head onto a video box right on his temple. NOT good. It didn't actually bleed but it turned blue immediately and looked like it should bleed. the poor lad. R was beside herself, she hadn't meant to hurt him, it was in fun and she felt terrible that he was hurt but that didn't really help him much at this point. there wasn't a lot i could do other than hold him and comfort him, i was nearly in tears myself. We'd been having so much fun with the gateau and smarties and bouncing and then sadness.
I didn't let him go to sleep for quite some time (hence the mam and boy lie in) so it was after 2am before we went to sleep. Next week i'm not planning to go to bed before midnight, early nights seem to have a way of turning round and biting me on the bum!....
Saturday, 15 November 2008
Our quandry with regards to the whole h.s. thing is no closer to resolution. R has taken it upon herself to keep asking me which day is she going back to school? How many days now? I AM still going aren't i? Go ahead, just kick a mam while she's down why don't you?!! B has been surprisingly quiet on the subject too, he hasn'tsaid he wants to stay home either, he's actually looking forward to seeing his friend E on monday. All that stress and worry for naught! I very much doubt that i've heard the last of it but for now i'm ging to sit back and see what happens.
J n N have gone down to our hometown to see their dad this weekend. They have a half sister, Sarah, who has a little boy who's probably close to one now so they're looking forward to playing grown up Aunty N and Uncle J. Sarah has had a falling out do with her partner so has moved back to her dads so that'll be cosy then.
N is going through a difficult time, on tuesday she lost her temper and stood up to me screaming into my face that i had no right to order her around! This achieved by asking her to come and sit with the dogs whilst i went to J's presentation evening to pick up his certificates for his exams that he did really well in. I'd asked her earlier in the week AND farmed out smalls so that she didn't need to have them for an hour, what a display! She was so aggressive! I've never seen that side of her before, others have said to me that N has a wicked temper and quite often a bad attitude but if i'm honest i have to say that i thought they were exaggerating but no, they weren't. I've tried to speak to her since then, i've told her that i love her umpteen times but until she's ready to talk there's not much i can do. To push her before she's ready would only make it worse, she'll speak when she wants to and not before. i have told her though that her attitude is unacceptable and she's not to behave like that towards me or anyone else, no matter how justified in saying it. Two wrongs don't make a right and i've asked her to come to me if someone/thing is winding her up.
I've been into a couple of forums this week and chatted to some lovely ladies, i think they had a good laugh at my lack of technical prowess. I'd need a manual that explained 'computers for dummies' for those even dumber than dummies!Poor me! Another thing i want to learn how to do is link my flickr page to my blog, i'll dig out the spellbook later and see what magic i can find to achieve it. It really is sad isn't it **blush** . I thought the witchcraft that i used to link my blog to my profile on the forum was amazing indeed! Weeell, if you're laughing at me then some other poor bugger is being left alone! Lol!!
I'm sooo tired, coughing germy wriggling bodies in my bed are not helping me get a good nights sleep, i can tell you that for nothing! I'm heading up to bed, maybe if i go up earlier it'll mean i get more sleep in the longrun? **raises eyes and pleads to the lady**. With that, i'm away.......
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
When i'd come round and could speak coherently again (2 strong sweet cups of tea and the smelling salts helped tremendously!) we chatted for a little while briefly going over what our priorities would be with regards to her education, which methods we would use and how long we'd give it to make sure that it really was the best way forward for our daughter. Although myself and R's dad haven't lived together since she was a year old i feel that it was only fair to keep him up to speed with the choices i'm making for our daughter and invite his opinion on the important stuff. Whatever has gone on before between her father and me we are both her parents and her wellfare should be the priority, even if it means practically chewing off my tongue on occasion when he talks to me like i'm three.
So, duly armed with all this positivity i called R over to tell her what me and her dad had discussed, expecting a display of pleasure usually reserved only for something new and sparkly, when what i got was .....tears! What??!!! I wasn't expecting that. She wants to stay at school 'cos she'll miss her friends and won't be able to do p.e. and wants to do the nativity at xmas. What to do now then? B wants to be homeschooled, i've mentioned in an earlier post how much B has changed this year since he's changed classrooms and his best friend has gone on to high school. Part of me feels that she'll not want to go to school very shortly after B leaves, the other thinks that if i pull her out of school now she's always going to feel that i didn't fully take her needs and/or wants into as much consideration as Bs BUT where does that leave me? Has anyone else had this? One kid wanting out of school and the other wanting to stay in? It's completely thrown me off kilter, i feel as though i'm back to square one again, stuck somewhere between the devil and the deep blue sea or a rock and a hard place.
The one thing that i'm not really looking forward to at all is having this conversation with Bs dad. He lives a fair distance away and only sees B in the school holidays. i know that if i H.s. B then he'll want to have him even more than he already does. I know he's his dad but i already struggle with the amount of time that B spends away from me. His dad has him every school holiday, including the summer where i don't see him for 7 weeks, plus all half term and full term breaks , each one lasting one or two weeks. I even allow him to take turns at xmas, one year he's with his dad the next with me. How can i stop him from trying to take even more time away from me? He hasn't gained all this access through the courts, i have care, control and residency, it's me who's allowed him so much time with the boy, purely so that they could have a regular, meaningful relationship. Now is not the time to go into it, i'll save that one for another post until i have more time maybe. I will say that it hasn't always been easy but for the sake of our childrens happiness sometimes we mams have to hold our tongues and smile sweetly! He left when B was 4 months old and i was being treated for cervical cancer so, suffice to say i did take it pretty hard. It took some time and a lot of hard work on both our parts to get to the point we're at now whereby i've had him and his mam to come and stay over so that they could be there for his birthday mornings in term time, also sometimes letting B go down to his dads earlier than the school actually does end for the holidays so that he can do lots of the interesting boy, and only child, stuff that they do together. I love to see his face when daddy comes, it's so beautiful and they are so alike, peas in a pod. I feel so glad that B has a daddy who loves him so much in his life, some poor souls don't see their daddies from one year to the next, i KNOW he's loved and cared for. If any one tried to hurt my boy i know his dad would give anything to protect him, as would i. Bs dad hasn't worked for a couple of years since he fell there, after that he began to stay indoors alot more, to the point where his mam and i said that the only time he was really alive was when he had little B with him. They are so good for each other, despite a bit of a poor start i could never have wished for a better daddy for my boy. Even though i know all this however i feel that for B to spend even more time would cut through me like a sword. What to do about this quandry is pecking my head, more guilt i can do without thanks! Yet again "life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans", my signature line that quote, (John Lennon, Beautuful boy)it just about sums up my life.................
Monday, 10 November 2008
To upload a pic of 5 of my kids, Lee, Jay, Nell, Brandon and Rowanne. Anyone who knows me irl would tell you what an amazing achievement this is! For too long i've avoided the whole computer thing like the plague, but no more! Hee Hee!
The whole learning thing seems much more do-able now we've got the computer to help. I'm performing a bit of an experiment this week, R has a cough and B is quite congested, they're not desperatly ill but i though that this would give me the opportunity to see if we could actually manage home ed? I'm not sure how it'll go, part of me thinks that at 9 and 7 they might be too old to change to a completely different learning technique but my biggest fear is that i wont be able to teach them all they'll need to know in order for them to get decent jobs and lifestyle when they're older. How will i feel if i let them down? How will THEY feel if i let them down? This is such a major decision, i'm not sure if a week is long enough to see if it can work out. How did all you do it? Is it easier if they've been HE from day one? Has anyone taken their kids out of school later on? I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed to be honest, i'm worried that to take the out of school would hinder them in their later lives? As you can probably see i keep going round and round in circles, tying myself up in knots and not getting any closer to a definate decision. How do you know if the kids will be better off? They may well be happier at home but will the education that i can give them set them up for life in the real world when they are out there alone competing for work in what could still be a severe economic climate? I know i know, they've a long way to go yet before it comes to that yet, but still, what to do.
I don't think that i'm as worried about my kids ability to adapt to a change of direction, more my ability to help them reach their full potential. I'm not even thinking about what their fathers will have to say about it, i'll cross that bridge when i come to it, the kids welfare comes before their somewhat uninformed opinions. They don't see them coming out of school looking sad sometimes or not wanting to go to school, Bs dad is NOT a morning person, neither is B, but while he stays in bed until lunchtime he expects B to be up with the lark. Even before he was born B was a nightowl, round about the time that i'd be thinking about bed was the time that my little toe wriggler would start to play drums with my ribcage! It didn't matter what time i took B up to bed, from being a baby he'd get most active in the evening. He would happily go up to bed as a toddler but he'd lie awake singing to himself for such a long time, telling his ted stories or making them up for himself. He's just a kid who doesn't drop off to sleep quickly, and most certainly doesn't get up easily, whether he's had 12 hours sleep or just 2. Judging by his apparent lack of morning loving hormones, exactly like his daddy, i'd say being a nightowl is sometimes genetic! When a man only goes for jobs that start in the evening or afternoon then you know that mornings are a real problem!
Now R is the other way around, she often falls asleep on me or L, in front of the fire or in fact wherever she is she'll just drop off as long as someone is holding her or she's close to us, but if she goes up to bed she'll fuss for hours, she just doesn't like to sleep alone, she's a good little sleeper and is quite an early bird. Often the day starts off badly with a grumpy tired B and a bouncy R, her giddiness winds up B and he gets tetchy which then of course sets her off declaring that she's done nothing wrong and it's all his fault. I think that maybe easing into the day slower would help them to be a bit more even tempered as there wouldn't be the need to hurry him up so much and she could faff to her hearts content with her hair with no worries of lateness because of it.
These seem like good reasons to implement change but I would never forgive myself if i made the wrong choices now that will hinder them in years to come. If they don't seem to be progressing what to do then? Has anyone ever taken their kids out of school only to put them back in at a later date? Have anyones kids wanted to go back to school of their own accord, or maybe not wanted to leave? I feel like i'm going round in circles, which of course i am. I was wondering how you mams out there who've been where i'm stood now managed to reach a decision? Was it the right one? Should i keep my options open for a while yet? I would really appreciate any advice you could give to me here? I'm off to prepare dinner and beat myself up a bit more, sigh.......
Sunday, 9 November 2008
I'm a single parent and have been disabled for the last 4 years, also i live quite a distance from my family. This means that i don't get out as much as i used too, sometimes having periods when i can't even get out of bed. Prior to my disability we were hardly ever at home, we live in the countryside in a tiny little village and to make it even better we're only a couple of miles from the coast. We used to have great fun, the world was our oyster. After i became ill all of this stopped, it's only this year that i've had the courage to try things again, i think i was ashamed of the way i look now and didn't want people to see me being unable to take care of everything by myself when i'd always been fiercely independant. I thought that my kids were my responsibility alone, if we didn't rely on anyone else then no one could let us down. I'd dealt with unreliable dads(some worse than others) who'd upset them by letting them down with arrangements and promises. So it was that we went from that to a situation where i had to rely totally on other people for almost all aspects of care, for both the kids and myself. I've had carers coming in twice a day for four years now, it's taken me quite a long time to deal with my new situation but i really do feel that i'm getting there.
One of the things that has really helped me, that wouldn't have entered my mind in a hundred years, is the internet. Whilst i still spend a lot of my time alone i no longer feel isolated and apart from everyone else, at the flick of a button i can see and enjoy the different lives of so many other mams from all over the world. I found flickr by way of Lucy at 'by other means' one click and i was away, so many inspiring women all so very different yet so alike. My kids are totally amazed by how much i enjoy the internet without going on the sites that they love so much. It's made a real difference to my life, finding people who think, have similar interests and aspirations as me. As you might imagine living in a small rural community that is quite close knit i do differ quite a lot from most of the other people who live here. For the most part people were ok, i think that i was a bit of an oddity, tribe of kids, purple haired, hippy with no man in the house and the real cruncher, someone wasn't born there, a stranger to their community who had some very different attitudes towards life and childrearing than was the custom here. As i'd moved to such a small community i soon found that they were more conservative in their veiws, the pace of life somewhat slower than had been the case in towns that we'd lived in before, despite all this the kids made friends pretty quickly and most of them wanted to spend time in my house where it was often tea for ten or whatever. 'Open house' wasn't common here before i came along but to be fair a few other mams now have much more relaxed attitudes with regards to child play.I have made a couple of really good friends here who were -and still are- just so incredible and supportive when my problems started, i can honestly say that if it wasn't for them then my kids would've most likely ended up in foster care during the time i was hospitalised and after the surgeries. True friends are worth their weight in gold and are few and far between, i love them dearly and could never repay the debt of gratitude that i owe them, not that they would ever expect me too.
The winter is all but upon us which means even more time indoors, get those curtains drawn and the fire stoked up! Loads of time in the evening for crafty things to do, hopefully some good books to read and time cuddled up in mammys bed watching videos whilest it's freezing outside. To be honest i enjoy the computer so much that i often take it upstairs to bed and surf while the kids watch a film, shocking i know! I look forward to logging on just to see if i've had a comment, how sad is that? In a bizzare way i feel that by seeing what lots of other mams are doing i can kind of enjoy things by proxy. Majikfaerie has had soo many adventures, Cage free family are inspiring in so many ways and the lovely Ariad at Rainbow farm is such a gentle soul. Karisma has the same sense of humour as me, Lucy at 'by other means' started me off and my name twin Sarah P at knitting the wind enthralls me too, in fact everyone seems to be so warm and welcoming. I know i haven't been around long but really what it boils down to is that despite what i said to my kids the internet it really is a wonderful thing and also THANKYOU to everyone for sharing their lives with me and who takes the time to read the things that i have to say, even if it's someties waffling drivel! Thankyou so much, i look forward to sharing many more of your lives adventures with you....
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
Back to my original subject, my hoarding tendancies (stay with me here people, i'm on a roll!) i think that this too stems from childhood. I was -and still am! - the oldest of 6 kids and money was tight. We never went without and certainly never felt deprived of anything. My mam used to go to jumble sales (before charity shops or car boot sales, a very english tradition methinks) and get clothes from there, we didn't have three closets full of clothes and we looked after what we had so it could be passed on to the next kid. There wasn't all the toys and games that we have today, we looked after those to and played for years - rainy day snakes and ladders anyone?- and we managed to grow up to be pretty well functioning adults. I hate to throw anything away just in case it comes in handy at a later date. I'm sounding so much like my mam here i'm nearly screaming! I think what i'm basically trying to say in my usual around the houses 15 times way is that although many of todays kids have much more 'stuff' than we did i still feel that we still got the better end of the deal. All the posessions in the world can never replace a cuddle from mum or a day out at the beach eating sand butties. In 20 years do we want to hear our kids say "I had the Brainbuster 40,000 and the 27 before that" or "we went to the beach, got sand in our sandwiches, had a great time and when we got home mam tucked us up in bed", i think i know which one i'd like to hear the most. Here we are, ordinary mams, not politicians or world leaders but WE know what our society needs to do to heal itself of this terrible malady that threatens to engulf it. We know what our kids REALLY need and i'm pretty sure that Sony aren't going to develop it any time soon nor will all the N.A.S.A. technology ever created be able to give our kids the most important things that they will ever need. It costs nothing and knows no limits, our love is all kids need to truly grow, love, time, understanding and giving them the chance to take part in this adventure called life, no computer game on earth could ever compare to that.
Monday, 3 November 2008
Yet again i digress, Nell looked beautiful and so grown up, it gave me a funny feeling in my chest. Not bad exactly, just a kind of pang that reminded me that although it sometimes feels like life is slow and passing me by, in reality it's flying by and my babies are growing so fast! My little girl has turned into a young lady in the blink of an eye. The next thing i know R will be using straighteners and eyeliner and developing her 'posh pout' for pictures. How can this be happening so soon? it only seems a short while ago that my eldest kids were starting school but now 3 of the six have finished school! I remember taking them to halloween parties and laughing as we all did apple bobbing and ghost stories, now it's major organised parties, hired halls and costumes that cost the earth! I have loved samhain for a long time but i do think that it's far too commercial now. I didn't mean to get all deep and stuff but it's kind of turning out that way!
I took lots of pics at the party but was kicking myselk 'cos as the party started to wind down both my girls fell asleep on the couch and my batteries has died in my camera. I usually carry spares but i'd taken the wrong handbag and had no spares with me - Bah! Originally iy had been planned that i'd drive t the party and then leave my car there and collect it the next morning but it was only 2degrees outside and my car insisted in reminding me that there was a big chance of ice on the roads. I took the adult decision and didn't drink so that i could drive the kids home. My lovely Jean was as drunk as a lord (well, lady anyhoo!) and insisted on walking (it was a very small distance from the party to Jeans house, less than a five minute walk) home, calling in at her startled parents to tell them that she loved them. Meanwhile i'd got the kids sorted and in bed, had changed my own clothes and made a cup of tea! I'd just started to fret when Jean arrived home -phew! I was in the process of looking for the phone to check that she'd actually left the party and was about to ask Paul to walk down and see that she hadn't fallen down or something. We both laughed as i looked at my watch as she came in and said "What time do you call this to be getting home madam?". Ofcourse as i was sober n Jean was squiffy i knew she'd feel bad the next day so i made her drink some water and numerous cups of tea to stop her from dehydrating too much! We stayed up until after 3am putting the world to rights. She drinks so rarely that it doesn't take a lot to make her blottoed, only a couple of glasses of wine to make her head spin, even when absolutely sloshed she still worries about everyone else before herself. We finally staggered up to bed at about 3am, hoping to grab at least a few hours good sleep befre our little angels woke up as they'd been up till midnight. I didn't need much rocking i can tell you......