Saturday, 30 May 2009

I wrote this at the end ofmay but then hestated in posting it as i wondered if i should' keep these thoughts private but then thought what the heck...Do you remember when you used to think about various stages of your life and had a kind of idea as to how it would be at certain points? You know, kids getting bigger, maybe getting back to work? How sometimes small changes inevitably occur without you even noticing them at first?Ii've had a little preview of that over this last week and it's kind of overwhelmed me a little bit to be honest.
As most of you know here in the Madhouse there're enough bodies to ensure that we never have to be alone, to be honest the problem here is usually that there's nowhere for you to be alone even if you want to - apart from the throne that is and it's unlikely that ANYONE would want to follow them there, unless you're me of course and then the minute you sit to comtemplate for a while and then everyone and the dogs NEED your undivided attention immediately if not sooner, the joys of being mam eh? Lol!
Anyhoo, to get back on track, J has been away at his dads for a couple of weeks for some chilling time after exams, Young Master B is with his dad too, he always has great fun there. Little Miss and Nell have gone over to see Shrek for a few days as he has a new girlfriend and they've been having BBQs and doing archery together. I've found this a really difficult situation to deal with for a couple of reasons. I couldn't tell you the last time i was "home alone" for any amount of time, maybe an odd night here and there but no more than that. Having had 5 nights alone - apart from fur people of course - has made me realise that the far off days of peace and quiet with all children having fled the nest may well NOT be the papadise i'd envisaged. It has made me realise that without my kids i don't really have much of "a life". Almost everything revolves around them and their needs. I'm not saying this with any resentment, being a mam is what i do the best, but it set me to thinkin what will i do with myself when i don't have them to care for? I'm beginning to realise what people mean when they say that i need to get some interests of my own, seperately from them. I think this is the tip of the iceberg and it's going to take some serious thought and inward reflection as far as my future is concerned.
The other thing is the whole "moving on" thing. Shrek and i had spent almost 10 years together through good and bad. We knew that whilst we weren't able to live together due to a mix of his bi-polar and my Madhouse full of kids and dogs - which sure aint compatable with each other! - we've always managed to stay on good terms for the most part and neither of us has had anyone else. Now he has moved on and started a relationship with someone else i'm surprised how it's made me feel. Stupidly i'd not really thought about it too much, he always said that i'd find someone else first - like i have the time or opportunity! - and that was that. Now, i'm not angry or anything and i am genuinely happy for him but suddenly i feel very alone. ........

11 comments:

karisma said...

Hugs, I know what you mean about the empty nest. Sometimes when there is no-one home I feel like that, but actually sometimes I do enjoy the silence. But only for a little while. You will be okay. I guess when the time comes you will gradually move on to newer things (when you have the time for them)

Right now, your kids are still little and of course you feel empty without them. When they are grown it will be different. They will have kids and bring them round. You will have slowly moved on to doing things without them so it will come at a natural time, when its supposed to. As for S, well you know my theories on that one! LOL. All things happen for a reason. Lifes far from over yet. Just wait and see what the future may bring and enjoy your NOW time now.

And seriously, when you have nothing to do, you get your butt over to LL and hang out with all us faeries and crazy mamas :-) A perfect place to let of steam (the rest of us do and have lots of laughs in the process).

Patty said...

I'm sorry your feeling a bit sad right now. It is always hard when changes come about. Maybe it is time to do something for yourself. Take a class, or find a new hobby. Things do always have a way of working out..
Hugs

Serena said...

I have five kids, four of which are still at home and aged 25, 22, 21 and 10. Like you, I love being a Mum and I know the day will come where I will probably be living alone though I may still have my oldest son, Bradley, still with me then. I am so grateful that art found its way into my life because, even now, I may often be left to my own devices as the kids follow their own paths in adulthood. It's nice to have quiet time to myself where I can sit and paint. That said, when my kids do eventually leave home, I'm sure they will still visit as my daughter does now. As Karisma said, your kids will eventually have kids of their own that you will play a part with them too. Try to worry about it too much because I'm sure you will find things will work out well for you. (((Hugs)))

Bohemian Single Mom said...

Oh my gosh!! I just went through this exactly, when my little hatchling went off to camp with her school for 5 days! I have NO LIFE without her.
I've come to the conclusion that "alone time" is over-rated and some of us thrive in the presence of others, even if it is a communal sort of crowded and crazy home-life.
There is always the bathroom if we need to get away from it for a bit!
From one hippy mom to another!
xoxoxo

Rowan said...

I've gone through the empty nest stage, it's hard at first even though the children leave gradually and harder still I suppose when you don't have a partner. You do get used to it though and the key is definitely to have your own outside interests - join a family or local history society or a gardening club or the WI or take evening classes - anything that helps you meet people and gives you an interest. My children all come home on a regular basis and there are grandchildren now as well shouting 'Hello Granny' as they bounce through the door. Grandchildren are tremendous fun and generally think that grannies are the best thing since sliced bread. It does wonders for the ego! Life changes always, you have to adjust and look to all the good things about your new life. There is peace and quiet, you always get to watch what you want on TV and once they have their own homes and families you get to go and have meals that somebody else has cooked:) My eldest son and his wife lived in South Africa for three years and are going back early next year - I shall miss them a lot but I shall also really look forward to visiting South Africa again so even that has its pluses. Always, always look for the positives, don't waste time longing for a past that is gone, you still have all the lovely memories.

Ariad said...

Hi hippymammy, haven't been to visit you for awhile. Take it easy babe. You have many more wonderful years ahead of you yet.
Being a mammy is great but you have more to do...I just kniow it!

karisma said...

Oh Sarah, sarah...where ever could sarah be???? Its been so long since we heard from thee....Oh sarah sarah.......

Poppy and Mei said...

It's scary when you're forced to look at yourself straight on isn't it?
My kids'll be home for years to come but when I get that one nano second to look at myself, well, all I see is Mumma.
Lets make a pact to find the future exciting & not so scary...deal? XXxx.

The Awakened Heart said...

I think it's perfectly understandable to feel strange when someone with whom you have spent such a huge amount of time, moves on and finds love again, with someone else. Oriah Mountain Dreamer has a meditation for 'Those We Once Loved Out Loud' that might be fantastic for this time in your life - especially as it's only 3 minutes long! It's at the end of the Audio of The Dance (or in her book of the same name). Check it out if you find the time. I also think that these five days alone have been a gift. The gift of time alone allows you to see where you can make small changes that will support and nourish you, the way you support and nourish others. I wish you joy on the journey.

karisma said...

Hey! You two! Get outta bed and start blogging!

karisma said...

Hey stranger, just passing by thought Id drop in! Hugs and smoochies