I wrote this at the end ofmay but then hestated in posting it as i wondered if i should' keep these thoughts private but then thought what the heck...Do you remember when you used to think about various stages of your life and had a kind of idea as to how it would be at certain points? You know, kids getting bigger, maybe getting back to work? How sometimes small changes inevitably occur without you even noticing them at first?Ii've had a little preview of that over this last week and it's kind of overwhelmed me a little bit to be honest.
As most of you know here in the Madhouse there're enough bodies to ensure that we never have to be alone, to be honest the problem here is usually that there's nowhere for you to be alone even if you want to - apart from the throne that is and it's unlikely that ANYONE would want to follow them there, unless you're me of course and then the minute you sit to comtemplate for a while and then everyone and the dogs NEED your undivided attention immediately if not sooner, the joys of being mam eh? Lol!
Anyhoo, to get back on track, J has been away at his dads for a couple of weeks for some chilling time after exams, Young Master B is with his dad too, he always has great fun there. Little Miss and Nell have gone over to see Shrek for a few days as he has a new girlfriend and they've been having BBQs and doing archery together. I've found this a really difficult situation to deal with for a couple of reasons. I couldn't tell you the last time i was "home alone" for any amount of time, maybe an odd night here and there but no more than that. Having had 5 nights alone - apart from fur people of course - has made me realise that the far off days of peace and quiet with all children having fled the nest may well NOT be the papadise i'd envisaged. It has made me realise that without my kids i don't really have much of "a life". Almost everything revolves around them and their needs. I'm not saying this with any resentment, being a mam is what i do the best, but it set me to thinkin what will i do with myself when i don't have them to care for? I'm beginning to realise what people mean when they say that i need to get some interests of my own, seperately from them. I think this is the tip of the iceberg and it's going to take some serious thought and inward reflection as far as my future is concerned.
The other thing is the whole "moving on" thing. Shrek and i had spent almost 10 years together through good and bad. We knew that whilst we weren't able to live together due to a mix of his bi-polar and my Madhouse full of kids and dogs - which sure aint compatable with each other! - we've always managed to stay on good terms for the most part and neither of us has had anyone else. Now he has moved on and started a relationship with someone else i'm surprised how it's made me feel. Stupidly i'd not really thought about it too much, he always said that i'd find someone else first - like i have the time or opportunity! - and that was that. Now, i'm not angry or anything and i am genuinely happy for him but suddenly i feel very alone. ........