Thursday, 29 July 2010

It's been a while.....

It sure has! There's been so much happened, when i looked back over my posts it almost seems like another lifetime ago. I'm not even going to attempt to fill you all in on the last years events, suffice to say i find myself in a very different place than i was then.
The kids're well, grown - lots! - and happy. J has finished 6th form having sat his last exam last month. He then went away to Turkey with Amy for a week as she'd finished her exams too and had a wonderful time by all accounts. We get his results in august and all being well he'll be starting Uni in september. Leaving for good, eek!
Nell's just finished her G.C.S.E.s and again, dependant on results, she's off to 6th form in September too.
Young Master B has finished primary school and starts high school in sept so it's been a lot of changes here in the madhouse. Three endings and new beginings to look forward too, soon.
Little Miss has grown, she's healthy and happy,still 9 going on 89!
On a less positive note, K has split up from her husband, pastures new for him sadly. She's coped SO well, i've never been prouder of her. She's kept her head up and maintained her dignity throughout, despite much provocation to respond to the contrary. I, on the other hand, have wanted to bay for blood and cause actual bodily harm on more than one occasion! And me a pacifist! They're never too grown up to stir the inner lioness in all of us are they....
As for L, he's well, happy,working and enjoying life to the full. He split up with his girlfriend earlier this year too, amicably, but has no shortage of female attention ( too much sometimes in my humble protective mammy opinion!).
It's been a bit of a tough year in some ways to be honest. my dad was rushed into hospital at the begining of this year, he was very ill and the docs were concerned for a scary time but he pulled through and is slowly on the mend. Somehow you think your parents're immortal don't you? Logic states that he's in his 70s and will obviously head off on his next journey at some point but i for one never really gave it any thought, just casually expecting him around as always. It's a scary time when you suddenly realise that your parents're old. I mean really old, not the "oh my god you're 40 stop embarassing me PLEASE" kind of old that you imagine when you're 15 but the REALLY old, slowing down, realising their fragile mortality kind of old. Sigh, hard life lessons certainly
It's not all been bad though by any means, as i've said, the kids're great, the summer's here - kind of!- and life's mostly good. Things have a way of sorting themselves out over time, often not in the ways you might have ever expected or even considered. Shrek and i are back together - i for one didn't see THAT one coming! (take off the smug face Karisma, you were right!) - and against all the odds it works for the most part. We don't live together, that works far better for us, but are much closer than before. Once we'd realised that trying to live by other peoples standards and guidlines was never going to work in our situation things became much easier, compromise has become a new word in our vocabulary. Who'dve thought that it'd take him finding someone new to make us realise what we were both letting slip away? Not me that's for sure!. it's not perfect, and never will be, but it was something worth saving after all - even if sometimes it seemed to be the craziest thing i'd ever done! - just needed saving under terms that suited OUR family not anyone elses.....
Well folks, that's the very edited highlights of the last 12 months or so here in the madhouse -after me stating that i wasn't going to even attempt it! - and hopefully i'll be back with more in the not too distant future.....

Saturday, 30 May 2009

I wrote this at the end ofmay but then hestated in posting it as i wondered if i should' keep these thoughts private but then thought what the heck...Do you remember when you used to think about various stages of your life and had a kind of idea as to how it would be at certain points? You know, kids getting bigger, maybe getting back to work? How sometimes small changes inevitably occur without you even noticing them at first?Ii've had a little preview of that over this last week and it's kind of overwhelmed me a little bit to be honest.
As most of you know here in the Madhouse there're enough bodies to ensure that we never have to be alone, to be honest the problem here is usually that there's nowhere for you to be alone even if you want to - apart from the throne that is and it's unlikely that ANYONE would want to follow them there, unless you're me of course and then the minute you sit to comtemplate for a while and then everyone and the dogs NEED your undivided attention immediately if not sooner, the joys of being mam eh? Lol!
Anyhoo, to get back on track, J has been away at his dads for a couple of weeks for some chilling time after exams, Young Master B is with his dad too, he always has great fun there. Little Miss and Nell have gone over to see Shrek for a few days as he has a new girlfriend and they've been having BBQs and doing archery together. I've found this a really difficult situation to deal with for a couple of reasons. I couldn't tell you the last time i was "home alone" for any amount of time, maybe an odd night here and there but no more than that. Having had 5 nights alone - apart from fur people of course - has made me realise that the far off days of peace and quiet with all children having fled the nest may well NOT be the papadise i'd envisaged. It has made me realise that without my kids i don't really have much of "a life". Almost everything revolves around them and their needs. I'm not saying this with any resentment, being a mam is what i do the best, but it set me to thinkin what will i do with myself when i don't have them to care for? I'm beginning to realise what people mean when they say that i need to get some interests of my own, seperately from them. I think this is the tip of the iceberg and it's going to take some serious thought and inward reflection as far as my future is concerned.
The other thing is the whole "moving on" thing. Shrek and i had spent almost 10 years together through good and bad. We knew that whilst we weren't able to live together due to a mix of his bi-polar and my Madhouse full of kids and dogs - which sure aint compatable with each other! - we've always managed to stay on good terms for the most part and neither of us has had anyone else. Now he has moved on and started a relationship with someone else i'm surprised how it's made me feel. Stupidly i'd not really thought about it too much, he always said that i'd find someone else first - like i have the time or opportunity! - and that was that. Now, i'm not angry or anything and i am genuinely happy for him but suddenly i feel very alone. ........

Saturday, 16 May 2009

Finally, I'm Back, or The Joys of Chewing Puppies Who Eat Computer Cables, Aagh!!.......

Well, how much have i missed! Sorry i've been absent for so long, we had a major trauma in the laptop dept, the (new) puppy ate the power cable, Aagh! What a nightmare! Don't you just love puppies??!!! Lol. yep, the latest addition to the Madhouse is a Belgian shepherd pup, named Sirius. The Harry Potter fans among you will know that Sirius Black is an animaegus who can transform into a black dog, which Sirius pup is, hence the name. Ho hum. Young master B was given him as a birthday gift by his daddy. We had his uncle and grandfather when we were together and it's nice to have a continuation of the family here again, he is SO like his uncle Pagan who i loved very dearly, right up until he passed to the dog playground in the sky last year at the ripe old age of 12. He was a wonderful companion and left us with a lot of happy memories. none of which involved a chewed power cable and no internet connection for the last few weeks i'd like to add! We don't have a desktop so we were snookered basically. We're back online now though so all's well that ends well.
How i've missed you all! To be honest being away has been a bit of an eye opener for me. I have found myself wondering how you've all been doing, i didn't realise how much i looked forward to catching up with everyones daily lives, all the little familiar things that make you all real people in my life, friends i've never met but missed during my enforced abscence. It's going to take me a while to catch up with you all but i'll be popping by to say hello and catch up over the next few days.
So, what's been happening in the Madhouse lately? Hmm, let me think....
We've had a couple of birthdays, Master B has reached double figures, i'm now 42 -eek!. Lee's 22 and has found his own place to live, good for him but sad for me as he's back in our hometown and living with his girlfriend Jo who's a nice lass that we've all known for years. It's lovely to see him happy and settled, it eases the separation a little. J's sitting his As levels over the next couple of weeks, he's already done a few and his last exam is on the 21st. He's been working really hard so i'm sure he'll be fine, i remember the horrible pre exam nervous tummy even if it was more years ago than i'd like to count! Nell's looking forward to a trip away during the half term, an outward bound adventure type of thing, i'm not too sure if her "scene" hair and eye liner'll stand up to that kind of test though, hehe. K and R've also had a new addition to their household, Sirius's brother, Raven which means they're up to their eyeballs in puppy chewing and minefield dodging too. At least we can get them together and wear each other out regularly - which we need even more than they do! I'd forgotten just how much havoc one little furball can cause, poor Gypsy and Tyson're sprouting more grey hairs by the second! Gyps is nearing the end of her journey now, she has a tumour that will start to cause her discomfort at some point, the vet has promised that he'll let us know before that starts to happen so we can do the decent thing by her. For now she's fine, just a grumpy smelly old dog who likes to snooze on her favourite chair or in the spot that has the most sunlight, depending which is warmer. Tyson seems to be wary of the pups, he doesn't like the needle teeth that bite back when he plays with them too much i think.
We've also aquired a baby guinea pig called Twilight - Cullen fans anyone?- for Little Miss as a kind of "not having your own puppy but being given a little something to be responsible for" thing, like we don't have enough things to feed and be responsible for! I'm sure the walls of the Madhouse are actually made of elastic, no matter how full we think we are there's always room for more. I do think we're going to have to put up a No Vacancies sign up soon though!
This is turning out to be a bit of a waffle so i'm going to sign off for now and (hopefully) catch up a little more tomorrow. It's really nice to be back, my fingers're just starting to type properly again! I'll say goodnight to you all, until tomorrow then...................................

Sunday, 29 March 2009

Spring has sprung. Yippee!!!.....

Hi all, sincere apologies for my abscence over the last month, i was just so tired, run down and fed up i decided to take a little time out for me. However i'm back now and feeling great so hopefully it's back to normal - well, as 'normal' as it ever gets here in the madhouse anyway!!!
To be honest there hasn't been much excitment to speak of, two more of my babies have had birthdays, Kayleigh is now 23 (eek! How did that happen?) and young master B has turned 10 on friday. Double figures no less! Where is the time going? How can my babies be this old already? How did i get to almost 42? It's incredible to think that they're all growing up so quickly. They are my pride and joy, my life would mean nothing without them. it makes me sit up and think they're growing sooo fast, even my babies aren't babies anymore. I need to get myself back on track and start to spend quality time with them. it's far too easy to let the days pass in a blur of life, the universe and everything in it, never actually planning my days constructively. I need to make better use of the time i do have available to me so i can give them all some one to one time. I find it far too easy to just let the time pass by without stopping to think of the more positive things that i could do with it.
I'm sure that a lot of you lovely ladies out there are all feeling so much better too now that spring is really here. It's just beautiful outside today, the sun is shining, i can hear the birds, the lambs are on their way, the first litter of bunnies have been into the garden this morning and, best of all, it's the first day this year when i can leave the backdoor open without getting hypothermia! The kids are playing outside without being wrapped up so much that they look like giant do-nut men! Hee hee!!!! Isn't it wonderful how much difference a little extra daylight makes? In winter i really struggle to get up at 6.30am to light the fire before the smalls get up, now, when it's warmer and not as much of a dire need my eyes ping open before my alarm goes off.... grrr! Being blessed with a home in the countryside the signs and sounds of spring are all around us, lambs, chicks, greenery, all wonders of nature that, sadly, many people don't seem to appreciate as they should. Having been born in a town the differences between life in the two seperate areas are easier to identify and appreciate. When the first four kids were small we lived in a caravan on the isle Anglesey for a period of time, one of the happiest times of our lives as much as i can remember. The kids were never healthier than they were there, the fresh air and good, basic food showed in everything they did. Shining eyes, healthy skin and boundless energy ... not that the boundless energy wasn't sometimes a bit trying, mainly when i was exhausted and they still wanted to play, go for another walk, whatever it was that was certain to keep me from my bed!... were clearly evident.
In some ways i feel that familiarity breeds contempt, many of the locals where i live don't seem to see or appreciate the surroundings like i do. Now that spring is here there's nothing nicer than to sit with a cup of tea first thing in the morning, before the kids're up, looking through the window across fields towards the mountains, with the songs and noises of spring all around. There really is nothing that can compete with natures beauty is there? Whilst to me all these things are breathtaking i find that many of the local people don't understand my awe and appreciation of our surroundings. They don't seem to notice all the little things, can't see our home the way that i do and appear to have a harder view of life in general. There are very few dogs that are kept purely as pets, if they're not hound dogs they're ratters or fell runners or they have some other purpose, the vast majority of dogs're kept outside. No handbag dogs here i think. They've laughed at me for being soft with mine - by which i mean living indoors and not having any other purpose other than the pleasure that their company brings. Ah well, each to their own. When i comment on our surroundings they often look at me sideways, as if they don't see the things that i do which i think is a bit sad. Maybe sometimes the only way to appreciate something is to spend time without it? I don't really know but i can honestly say that i've never lived in a more beautiful place than i do now.
As you may have noticed by now i'm feeling a lot more positive than before, i've been trying hard to keep some of the promises i made to myself. I've been eating better too and have finally managed to shift some weight - yippee -and can finally get my fat bum in jeans again! I've still got a way to go yet but the combination of this and all the other little things i'm working at are slowly making a difference to my outlook. Positive mental attitude really does have some truth in it, thankfully. I'm sorry that this has all been a bit of a waffle but i'm trying to say lots without my usual going round the houses fifteen times, you'd be surprised just how hard it is for me to do that, lol! I'd just like to say thankyou to all those who've left me nice messages, i really do appreciate them. Hopefully now i'm going to catch up with everything that you've all been up to in my absence, it'll take a while but i will do it, honestly. Thankyou again all you lovely ladies, here's hoping you are all feeling the benefits of spring and it's positivity too. here's to the seasons wonderful changes and the the positive opportunities that they bring.

Thursday, 19 February 2009

Hi all, i'm sorry it's been a while but i've been quite ill. You remember that i was ill before xmas? Well, this made that seem like a walk in the park. I've had another chest infection but this time it's been so bad that i had to take steroids and anti biotics together. The doc has seen me and at one point wanted me to go into hospital which i really didn't want to and it was only my promises of absolute rest and doing nothing that kept me home. If i'm no better by tomorrow i have to go back but that's not going to happen. I've been a good girl for the most part, poorLlittle Miss R has missed out on a couple of days out 'cos i've not been well enough to take her. Master B is at his daddys again so luckily for him he's had fun. Luckily we've has her friend Sophie here for two nights sleepover so that's kept her a bit entertained. I feel bad when the kids're stuck in when i'm ill but there was really no way i could've gone out, i just didn't have the strength. She's been such a good girl for me, it makes such a difference.
One thing that has made me feel sad, as many of you who live in dear old Blighty will know about, is the sad news about Jade Goody. Such a terrible, terrible tragedy, a young mam of 27 dying of cancer, heartbreaking. I know that she isn't to everyones taste but if you knew about her background then it would go a long way in explaining her loud, brash, self depreciating behaviour. This is a girl who knew her parents were both drug addicts by the age of five and has spent her entire life being the carer in practically every relationship she's had ever since. i cannot imagine what she's going through right now,knowing she's leaving her two precious sons behind her as she heads off alone towards her next journey. Her face lights up when she says their names, they are clearly the centre of her universe. i weep for those boys two, losing their mammy so young.
Young Master B will be 10 next month. when i went for my 6 week postnatal check i had a routinr smear test done, thank the Gods i did. I had cervical cancer which the pregnancy hormones had accelerated the growth of. I'd only had the test a few years earlier so we knew roughly how long it might have been around. funnily enough i'd had some problems when i was carrying him, he wouldn't go head down and stayed very high up in my body, his head was under my ribs which was excruciating. i'd had spotting etc too and had actually had to stay in hospital for the last month until he finally turned and i went into labournow i wonder if my body knew that my cervix was weakened and so kept it free from pressure until delivery? Who knows. However, as i said, my smear test brought back abnormal cell results. I went to the colposcopy clinic where they can laser off the cancerous cells only to be told, lying on a bed with my knees around my ears and a laser in a VERY personal place that it was too bad for them to attempt to fix and that i'd need surgery. I went into the hospital when Youmg Master B was 4 monthe and had some of my cervix removed and my nether regions generally prodded and investigated. Thank the gods for general anasthetic and complete amnesia eh? They'd caught all the cells early enough and i only had a very low dose chemo, and completely recovered, thank the heavens. I did have some times when i thought about my kids, what would happen if i didn't make it, how long i would have with them etc. I know the chances of recovery are very high if it's caught quick enough but you never know. Young Master B's dad left me 3 weeks after my surgery for an 18 yr old, declaring that he couldn't cope with seeing me suffer -???!!! like him going off with a kid is soooo going to help stop my suffering! - more likely didn't want to be left with my kids! Anyway, i'm here to tell the tale and out the other side and i'm thankful for that.
The Jade situation has touched a nerve i think, i've found myself weeping for her on a number of occasions. i wanted to ask if anyone does pray, to whoever, would they please include this poor girl and her family in their prayers please?

On a lighter note, We've had a PARTY!!! Yep, little Miss was 8 on the 8th of feb, her daddy was MUCH older than that on the 9th, - weren't you Shrek! Ha Ha, i know you've been checking out my blog so i thought i'd let everyone in blogland know that you were 47!! - so we had a birthday party and what a wonderful party it was. Once again my beautiful daughter K excelled herself. She did all the preparations for me, food, house decorated inside and out, balloons, masks, hats, cake, the whole lot. it would've been a disaster without her. The party girl had a wonderful time, we had almost twenty people in my little house and it was great. Daddy helped out with the financial side of things too which made it possible to be abigger affair than if i'd been funding it alone. She chose a Hannah Montanah sofa bed thing, it's a blow up couch with material covers that opens up into a bed for sleepovers - it sure comes in handy in this house, sleepover central no less!- even when we don't have guests herself can sometimes be found stretched out on there, she has to check that it's comfy for her guests i'm told. I do sometimes wonder how such an old soul lives in that 8yr old body, ah well.
Thankyou Leanne and Wendy for worrying, i'm on the mend now, i think that they give you steroids 'cos they taste sooo bad that you want to recover asap so you don't have to take more. I don't believe i've tasted ANYTHING fouler that those in my whole life. I've got some major catching up with you all to do, i'll get there eventually. Today is the first day i've had the energy to even type so with a bit of luck i'll be back on commenting form, i've really missed some of your posts, i see them come up and it makes me smile, thankyou all for that. I look forward to catching up with you all really soon, with that i'm away to bed.......

Saturday, 31 January 2009

i read a beautiful post by Wendy over at Hedge and Hearth about our Crone years. It really made me stop and think about where i'm at in my life. In some ways i'm not going to be there for a while, my youngest babe will be 8 next week so i've a good few 'Mother' years ahead of me yet in that respect, however at the other end of the scale my oldest babe will be 23 in march so i've been doing this job for a while now! I used to think that these terms were literal, you're a mother until your babes are grown, whilst you can still bear children you couldn't become crone. So how does that work now? I 've not reached menopause yet but i can no longer bear children, so does that make me Crone? Confusing eh? When i first started along this path i thought everything was clear cut in definable chunks (how little did i know then?) Now i can see that there as many pathways as people to walk them and nothing is written in stone. I don't believe in a dividing line any longer, all the edges are blurred, like an oil pattern in water, beautiful but always changinng. Nothing is ever fixed or solid. So how do i see these things now? Hmm....

I for one used to dread the thought of my crone years, old age was something to be feared. Now i'm not so sure. I can see the wisdom of many years being useful, keeping the stories for the younger ones to learn, finding that our skin is dryer, our hair loses it's colour and the medal of the crone years, grey hair sets in. For so many years this was something to hide at all costs, age was something to disguise as much and for as long as possible too.

So why is that the case? Why should we hide the wisdom that the Crone years brings us? We'll have raised our children, set them straight and out into the world their own lives to live. Should we then hide our shrivlled faces and our tired bones? Are we something to be ashamed of, our useful lives done?

No, this will be, finally, the time to think of us. All our duties will be done, the future, for the first time ours to own. For so long our lives on others revolved, our husband, children ,making our houses a home. We'll finally sit and read if we like, make plans that we won't need others to approve. This will be OUR time, we can focus that time on the things that WE want to do, throw caution to the wind and be finally free. Our lives are full of wisdom and love, we have so much to give, years of knowledge to share, a lifetime of experience to pass on. It's up to us to make our lives how we want them to be, go out and be proud and finally do what we WANT too, and at long last, not what we NEED! xXx

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

I'm not american, but i do feel american politics affect my life over here in the U.K. I, as a general rule, don't watch tv, only listen to the news on the radio and have a general allergy to politics and all the lies that spew from that area of our lives, whether we support the policies/politicians/party or nay.
Yesterday, however, i decided to turn on the tv to witness this historic moment in world history. As I listened to this man, saw the incredible crowd, the hope shining on everyones faces i have to admit, i felt optimistic too. a little glimmer of hope slowly began to flicker inside me.
I know that politicians are well versed in the art of speaking for a long time without having much to say, it comes with the territory. Despite this, however, this man had a lot to say. He didn't put a whitewash over it, he said that times were going to be tough before they got better. There were very little rose covered titbits given out to sugarcoat the truth, it's going to be a long, hard slog to get back on your fee again and undo the damage that his predessesors policies had done. No carrots dangled before the donkey to give a nation some kind of hope that would always be out of reach.
Yesterday i felt hope, not just for a nation but for the world. If your new president does remain true to his ideals, does keep his promises and continues to fight for what he believes in thn i really do believe that this world can be a better place for us all to live in xXx