Honest Opinions please?....

It seems to me that the times when i have the most to say are the times when i can't get near to the blinking 'pute to do it! We've got J's new girlfriend coming to stay this w/end so we're up the wall with making up beds etc. He's sulking 'cos i've said that she can't sleep in his room but there's no way that i'm going to let that happen, he's 16 but she's only 15. Her mam is letting her travel across the country alone on the train, i was a nervous wreck when J did it but i don't think i could let my young daughter do it, why is that? Why do we feel that our girls need more protecting than our boys? By 'we' here i'm refering to we as a society as oppossed to we just the people here. Am i wrong here? Should i let her stay in his room? He's allowed to stay in her room there so maybe i'm being old fashioned - a term thrown at me regularly by my teens?

Just because i'm a liberal parent and allow my kids to express themselves how they see fit the vast majority of the time does it mean i should allow this to happen in my home? I don't feel that it's their right to sleep together in my home, she is legally under age and, i don't feel, mature enough to make responsible decisions. I feel it's my responsibility to , i don't know, protect them? Warden them? Be a kill joy? Fuddy duddy? I'm struggling here people. Am i over reacting? Should i be telling them what they can and cannot do? Should i be dictating to someone elses child what they can and can't do? Even if her mam allows other behaviour in her house? I really feel quite strongly that they shouldn't sleep together in my house, i have 3 younger children than J who i do not want to think it's ok to bring a girl/boy friend over to sleep when they're 15/16 either. I have no problem with her coming and staying the weekend, that's fine, but anything else is a no no in my book.

So help me out here ladies, what do you think? Would you feel the same way that i do? I'm going round in circles here so much that i don't know if i'm coming or going. I really appreciate any opinions you have. I used to be 16 - i know how grown up i thought i was then, even though my kids'll probably think it was millenia ago and before the ark and all that, but this is something more important than me being a party pooper. I look forward to any light you could shine on this subject, my torch appears to have run out of batteries...........

Comments

Ariad said…
That's a hard one! Don't know what I would do but I get this feeling you should do what you're comfortable with...not do what the other Mother's doing. And just explain it to the kids. They might bea bit annoyed at first but you'll get respect for sticking with your beliefs not bowing to peer-pressure...I suppose that's what we want to teach them.
29 November 2008 at 00:09
Currawong said…
Do they want to sleep in the same bed or is it just that they want to be near each other like in a usual sleep over situation? Do you know for sure that they are having sex? If so, are they using contraception? IMO, and please understand that I don't have a 15yo or a 16yo so I don't speak from the experience of a parent with kids at that age, I would let them do it. If they have slept together elsewhere and are bound to do it again, wouldn't you rather they did it in the safety of their own home and not feel like they had to go away to be together? I remember sex when I was 17 and it was as meaningful and as beautiful as it is today (maybe even more so). I know she is underage but if her mother is okay with it then why get in their way? As long as they are using effective contraception...why hold them back? :) Hugs HM, I'm looking forward to when my boys have sleepovers!
29 November 2008 at 01:43
sarah said…
In my opinion, you should do what feels right to you in your own home. J and his girlfriend may be frustrated at the time, but what you are doing is providing a foundation of values for J's entire future. A sense of home. A boundary. He may indeed be having sex elsewhere (at her house, behind the bike shed, wherever) but this is not just about sex. It's about making a home that reflects and honours your own values. Its important you stand firm to your values now, so as to model to your children the importance of doing so, even if they grow up to have different values to you.

If you said to J, I don't feel comfortable with you sharing a room with your girlfriend, it goes against my values, my wisdom, my moral code ... but then you let him do it anyway, how strong will he be when faced with a similar moral dilemna in the future?

Besides, kids need a bit of frustration in their romantic lives. It makes things sweeter. ;-)
29 November 2008 at 03:44
Shrekkie Grinch said…
Just this last week, a mother has been sent to prison for allowing her 14 year old daughter to sleep with her older boyfriend in their house. she had the same dillemas. You know my feelings on this subject. You risk imprisonment, the splitting up of the family, and being registered on the sex offenders register by allowing it. J risks imprisonment and registration on the sex offenders list too. Is their selfish pleasure worth that? No its not!
We've had this convo a million times, but last weeks court case proves the foolishness of giving into their whims. Not only is that mother in prison, but her other children are in foster care. You know that you can't allow it, stand firm, be strong. You learned to stand up to me, so stand up and be the wonderful, caring, protective mother i know you are.
29 November 2008 at 16:03
karisma said…
While I agree with Currawong, they ARE going to do it with or without your permission, you do have a legal obligation. Yes I have been there, done that. CG and NB wanted sleepovers at that age, at first I said no. Because it made me uncomfortable. She argued till she turned blue! Then they started sleeping over, in the loungeroom where we could keep an eye on them. By the time she was 16 his family moved away and he moved in. They were still in school at the time. They are both 20 now and still live together, with us and share a room.

I guess what it came down to with us was the fact that I would rather they were safe at home than in a car or run of somewhere. And like us, they were in a serious relationship at that age, not having a teenage fling!
29 November 2008 at 21:35
Unknown said…
Believe in what you believe.... The weekend has gone and Ive only just read this request for opinions BUT if it was me I would say NO, and not even have to think about it. I couldnt send my daughter on a train across the country! Id also explain to my Son that if they really love each other waiting another year to stay within in the laws of the land wont do them any harm! Everything is so instant these days isnt it? Sort of a I want it, Im doing it NOW thing. My Husband had to wait and it made it so much more of a special thing when 'it' did finally happen! Where is the division between childhood and adulthood? It seems that there is no longer a middle place of transition between the two. At 16 I think its the young man stage (sex not included), before 16 is boyhood, probably 18 (but more like 20) (depending on individual character)is manhood. Bottom line..... do what you can live with but dont put your own convictions aside. End of lecture!!!
Thank you for advise for staying warm.... are you sure you cant get anymore clothes on????!!!!!! Take care, and hope the 'visit' went well.
1 December 2008 at 20:28
Anne said…
I tend to agree with Sarah P and The Fairy Shoemaker.
I would be feeling the same way as you.
I have this all to look forward to.
1 December 2008 at 21:38
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