18 years...time flys, or does it??

I'm going down to my mams this weekend. Usually it's for family occasions etc but this time it's not. It would've been - should've infact - but as i've said many times, untill people are sick of hearing it more than likely! - life is what happens to you whilst you're busy making other plans (John Lennon, Beautiful boy). In fact this song is very apt as it's the song i played ay my sons funeral. He would be 18 0n sunday 23rd, hence the trip down to my parents, he's memorial stone is there. I don't go there all the time, i do know that he's not lay under some cold stone in a little corner of a church but this year i feel like i should make more of a recognition than i usually do. Stupid maybe? I don't know.

This time of year always makes me feel down anyway, before John died even, i've had s.a.d.s for years but as these two dates creep round i can feel myself hiding away. It's almost like a retreat, i start to go down in the weeks leading up to his birthday and don't start up until we pass feb 21st, when he died. For many years i didn't think about this being linked to John dying until somene else pointed it out to me, just shows how easily you can be involved in a behaviour without realising why a lot of it happens. Sometimes it really does take someone a bit detached from the situation to see the way through the trees 'cos you've stumbled around in the dark for so long you've lost the path!

I don't really like to talk to people about it too much, it's my burden to carry - not that he was ever a burden to me - i put people in a sad mood if i talk about it. I don't know if i'd like someone to be telling me about their son who died years before. When my mam talked about my twin dying when i was younger i didn't like it 'cos it made her sad and was sooo long ago - to my then 6 year old way of thinking. Please forgive me if this post puts you on a downer, i hope it doesn't spoil anyones day. Thankyou for listening and letting me vent...

Comments

Ariad said…
Oh beautiful hippymummy, of course you're sad. It''s an unthinkable type of pain to even imagine one of my kids dying. It'd never go away and so it shouldn't. He is a light in your life... if only a brief one. I'm sending you many cuddles and kisses. Hope your rememberances of him are sweet.
Love, Sal
Shrekkie Grinch said…
I'm glad you made it there. I only wish I could have been there to hold your hand, and maybe lend a shoulder.
I'm thinking of you, and John, and all the rest of the kids, you're all always in my heart and thoughts.
karisma said…
Big Hugs xxxxxx

Now Im one for thinking you should talk about it. Trying to keep your feelings bottled up is not good for you. I know some people do feel uncomfortable but its usually because they want to help you but don't know how. I for one, listen, if you need to rant and ramble you can feel free to do it to me. I don't mind. I hope you find some peace on your trip. Big hugs and smoochies! Take care! Sending healing loving thoughts your way! xxx
hippymummy said…
Thankyou, it means a lot x
Anne said…
((HUGS)) all the way from Australia.
Currawong said…
I'm so sorry for all the pain. What a terrible thing to be a mummy and have your son die. I for one would feel privileged to have someone tell me about their departed son. That would feel like an honour to me.
Best, best wishes and hugs XXX
ik3 said…
I think it's wonderful to share your feelings and especially about having a child die. It's like a shadow burden, always with you, but no one sees it. I'm sorry your son died. I'm happy you talk about him.
FaerieMama said…
Its not a downer at all! I'd love to hear about your son, and I'd be just as happy to have you share your sadness. That's what we are on this planet for -- to help hold each other up when we are in those dark places...

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