18 years...time flys, or does it??

I'm going down to my mams this weekend. Usually it's for family occasions etc but this time it's not. It would've been - should've infact - but as i've said many times, untill people are sick of hearing it more than likely! - life is what happens to you whilst you're busy making other plans (John Lennon, Beautiful boy). In fact this song is very apt as it's the song i played ay my sons funeral. He would be 18 0n sunday 23rd, hence the trip down to my parents, he's memorial stone is there. I don't go there all the time, i do know that he's not lay under some cold stone in a little corner of a church but this year i feel like i should make more of a recognition than i usually do. Stupid maybe? I don't know.

This time of year always makes me feel down anyway, before John died even, i've had s.a.d.s for years but as these two dates creep round i can feel myself hiding away. It's almost like a retreat, i start to go down in the weeks leading up to his birthday and don't start up until we pass feb 21st, when he died. For many years i didn't think about this being linked to John dying until somene else pointed it out to me, just shows how easily you can be involved in a behaviour without realising why a lot of it happens. Sometimes it really does take someone a bit detached from the situation to see the way through the trees 'cos you've stumbled around in the dark for so long you've lost the path!

I don't really like to talk to people about it too much, it's my burden to carry - not that he was ever a burden to me - i put people in a sad mood if i talk about it. I don't know if i'd like someone to be telling me about their son who died years before. When my mam talked about my twin dying when i was younger i didn't like it 'cos it made her sad and was sooo long ago - to my then 6 year old way of thinking. Please forgive me if this post puts you on a downer, i hope it doesn't spoil anyones day. Thankyou for listening and letting me vent...