I wasn't expecting that...

Do you ever think that someones stood somewhere just off camera who's got a different script to the one you're following and who's laughing at your confusion? I kind of had that feeling today. I plucked up the courage to speak to R's dad abut homeschooling her. I presented a pretty convincing case and to my surprise he said it was a good idea, i was more than intelligent enough to do it - you could've knocked me down with a feather at this point!! my memory has been knocked to hell by the medication i have to take to allow me to function and get through the day- and that he would support me 100%! Brilliant !!

When i'd come round and could speak coherently again (2 strong sweet cups of tea and the smelling salts helped tremendously!) we chatted for a little while briefly going over what our priorities would be with regards to her education, which methods we would use and how long we'd give it to make sure that it really was the best way forward for our daughter. Although myself and R's dad haven't lived together since she was a year old i feel that it was only fair to keep him up to speed with the choices i'm making for our daughter and invite his opinion on the important stuff. Whatever has gone on before between her father and me we are both her parents and her wellfare should be the priority, even if it means practically chewing off my tongue on occasion when he talks to me like i'm three.

So, duly armed with all this positivity i called R over to tell her what me and her dad had discussed, expecting a display of pleasure usually reserved only for something new and sparkly, when what i got was .....tears! What??!!! I wasn't expecting that. She wants to stay at school 'cos she'll miss her friends and won't be able to do p.e. and wants to do the nativity at xmas. What to do now then? B wants to be homeschooled, i've mentioned in an earlier post how much B has changed this year since he's changed classrooms and his best friend has gone on to high school. Part of me feels that she'll not want to go to school very shortly after B leaves, the other thinks that if i pull her out of school now she's always going to feel that i didn't fully take her needs and/or wants into as much consideration as Bs BUT where does that leave me? Has anyone else had this? One kid wanting out of school and the other wanting to stay in? It's completely thrown me off kilter, i feel as though i'm back to square one again, stuck somewhere between the devil and the deep blue sea or a rock and a hard place.

The one thing that i'm not really looking forward to at all is having this conversation with Bs dad. He lives a fair distance away and only sees B in the school holidays. i know that if i H.s. B then he'll want to have him even more than he already does. I know he's his dad but i already struggle with the amount of time that B spends away from me. His dad has him every school holiday, including the summer where i don't see him for 7 weeks, plus all half term and full term breaks , each one lasting one or two weeks. I even allow him to take turns at xmas, one year he's with his dad the next with me. How can i stop him from trying to take even more time away from me? He hasn't gained all this access through the courts, i have care, control and residency, it's me who's allowed him so much time with the boy, purely so that they could have a regular, meaningful relationship. Now is not the time to go into it, i'll save that one for another post until i have more time maybe. I will say that it hasn't always been easy but for the sake of our childrens happiness sometimes we mams have to hold our tongues and smile sweetly! He left when B was 4 months old and i was being treated for cervical cancer so, suffice to say i did take it pretty hard. It took some time and a lot of hard work on both our parts to get to the point we're at now whereby i've had him and his mam to come and stay over so that they could be there for his birthday mornings in term time, also sometimes letting B go down to his dads earlier than the school actually does end for the holidays so that he can do lots of the interesting boy, and only child, stuff that they do together. I love to see his face when daddy comes, it's so beautiful and they are so alike, peas in a pod. I feel so glad that B has a daddy who loves him so much in his life, some poor souls don't see their daddies from one year to the next, i KNOW he's loved and cared for. If any one tried to hurt my boy i know his dad would give anything to protect him, as would i. Bs dad hasn't worked for a couple of years since he fell there, after that he began to stay indoors alot more, to the point where his mam and i said that the only time he was really alive was when he had little B with him. They are so good for each other, despite a bit of a poor start i could never have wished for a better daddy for my boy. Even though i know all this however i feel that for B to spend even more time would cut through me like a sword. What to do about this quandry is pecking my head, more guilt i can do without thanks! Yet again "life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans", my signature line that quote, (John Lennon, Beautuful boy)it just about sums up my life.................