Sleepover wednesdays....

Today is an odd day, Rowanne has gone to stay at her daddys house tonight. He's off work with a damaged elbow so is doing midweek sleepovers as well as friday nights. I'm not sure that it's a good thing. I know her dad loves her and does his best but she's been under the weather recently, a water infection, and has been upset over a few things that he said about me. I know he's very self centered and generally doesn't think before he speaks but i feel that he really should be careful when he's talking to her.
We haven't lived together since before her 2nd birthday so it's not like she misses that, however earlier this year he made murmerings about moving here with us. I must admit that my first thoughts were what was he after and why now. I know that him living with us would be an incredibly difficult thing for us to adapt to but i did give it a little thought;i think the concept of two parents together appealed to me until i did a reality check and remembered how bad it was before he left that is. It turned out that he's been gradually getting himself deeper and deeper into debt and wanted to move here to escape the consequences. I pointed out to him that if he couldn't support himself and his dog (he isn't on a bad wage, he's just not good with finances) how the heck could he support all of us? I think that he wanted to move in here but for me to continue claiming benefits so he could keep his money for himself -NOT! When i said no he told Rowanne that he didn't know if he'd be able to see her at christmas 'cos he might not have anywhere to live as Mama wouldn't let him move in with her. She didn't tell me this for a little while but i had noticed a change in her behavior, she'd wet her pants and even the bed - mine!- a couple of times. I kept gently asking her what the problem was but it all finally came out in the car as we were driving home late one evening. She sobbed for the best part of an hour, i have to admit that my blood was boiling with him but me then badmouthing daddy wouldn't have helped one bit. I told her that it was unlikely to happen and that it didn't matter if daddy lived far away as i would ensure that she saw him as much as possible. She knew that i was telling the truth as Brandon has regular contact with his paternal family. This seemed to ease her poor little heart and she settled off much quicker that night. I did have to have a strong chat with daddy over the phone, his response? "I'll have to be a bit more careful what i tell her really, i forget how little she is". SEVEN!!! I wanted to yell at him. The subject was more or less forgotten until last week when daddy called to collect her, we were a few minutes behind so while i was putting her shoes on she said "could you two get back together please?". Dad said "absolutely not!" at which her face started to crumble until i quickly said "Mama and daddy can't live together but we will stay friends, we both love you lots and it means that you can have 2 bedrooms, one at my house and one at daddys". She smiled happily, said "cool!!" and skipped off to get her toys for at daddys house. If only we'd had this conversation in the begining before he said anything thoughtless to her. she absolutely idolises her daddy, i wish he'd just think before he speaks occasionally!
So, off she's gone to daddys for a mid-week sleepover, she's so excited. It only takes little things to keep them happy most of the time if people think before they speak. Brandon has gone to Iains for a go on his computer games. The nights are drawing in so quickly now and i'm feeling that hibernating thing starting to kick in. I want the curtains drawn and the fire stoked up earlier and earlier. I feel as though i want the kids in earlier so we can huddle inside. I know that not everyone feels this way, i suffer from s.a.d.s and it does make it difficult sometimes, i really struggle to find motivation for anything, i'm just sooo sleepy and fuzzy headed all the time. The doctor wants me to take prozac to see if it helps but i'm wondering if St Johns Wort might be a better option? I used that for a few years but since i've been on all my other medications i haven't thought about adding anything else to it but i'm wondering if the fact that i'm even considering something to deal with it is a positive sign 'cos for the past few years i've not really bothered about anything. I'm feeling a bit like i'm caught between hell and a hard place, i'm not sure what to do for the best. I still have a couple of weeks to work it out before it gets too bad so hopefully i'll get it right by then.
I'm thinking about linking my blog to my flickr page and putting pics on here but i think that i'm going to need a little time to get my head round that! I'm such a technophobe, it's tragic really! I'm enjoying reading Majikfaeries blog, she has a wonderful life, she's fitted so much into such a short time, amazing. I wish that i'd found so many like minded people when i was younger. I had to endure a lot of criticism when i had my older kids, when i had Kayleigh at 18 a nurse actually told me that i couldn't breast feed as i hadn't been taught how, i was too young to breastfeed and there must be something 'wrong' with me if i wanted too! If i'd had a birth attendant like her then i think they'dve been more careful what they said to me! As i got older i found my courage to speak up more, even when i was having my 7th child, Rowanne, they tried to tell me what to do! I wonder if part of it was because my 3rd child, John, died of S.i.d.s at 3 months. Somehow if you lose a child you feel that people judge you as not as capable as other parents cos you got it 'wrong'. It's all crap of course but it takes a long time for you to realise that, there's a lot of healing to do before you get to that point. It was the worst time in my life but even this had a positive outcome in some ways. If John had lived i probably wouldn't've had Jay so soon and later Chanelle. over time i've learned that some of the lessons we have to learn are sometimes hard but we aren't given challenges that we can't overcome. We might think we can't at the time though! Hopefully not many have to have that particular lesson to learn.
I'm being chased upstairs as the football is coming on and they hate it when i ask stupid questions at important times! Lol! So, upstairs with a book and a cuddle off my youngest boy. Lovely....................................

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